Hoity Toity in Paris: The Silk-Purse Syndrome

15 February 2003 by Don Andrews    423  
A rather short (5’1″), fat (195 lb.), middle-aged (42) woman was in a minor auto accident. She was rushed to the hospital. The woman, only slightly bruised, gave her name and social security number to the admitting nurse. When asked for height, weight, and age she replied 5’8″, 125, and 24. The nurse put down her pen and, looking the patient in the eye, said, “Hon, this is a hospital, not a chat room on the internet!” Unfortunately, this joke is based more in truth than fiction. There have been numerous reports in the print and electronic media on how fictional personalities are frequent on the Internet. I first became aware of this phenomena in Paris listening to my fellow travelers. I named it PESPS, or Pigs-Ear-Silk-Purse-Syndrome. The story of a very distant cousin illustrates well how PESPS develops. Hershel is in his middle 50’s. He has been married to Mable for a little over 20 years. School was not Hershel’s long suit, as our southern relatives say. Right out of high school, Hershel got a job pumping gas at the local Gulf station. Hershel worked along for a number of years saving his money. When he got enough, he bought a couple of acres and made a down payment on a doublewide mobile home. By the time Mabel and Hershel got married, they had fixed up the place so well anyone in Bittie, Texas (pop. 1100) would be happy to call it home. The couple decided early on they’d have no children. Hershel loved to fish and deer hunt and nibble on Mabel’s neck. Mabel enjoyed puttering in her little vegetable garden, raising guineas and having Hershel nibble on her neck. They were simple folks with simple tastes, happy for years with the status quo. But one day, and the family still does not know exactly what happened, while Mabel was watching Oprah, she decided she was not content with her life in Bittie, Texas – she wanted to go to Paris, France! Mabel just could not wait to go to Paris, France. She drove to Dallas, a two-hour drive, all by herself and found a travel agent to make all the arrangements. It is exactly at this point in time PESPS appears. Up until now we had only seen the Pigs Ear part of Hershel and Mablel’s life. The Silk Purse phase begins with the travel agent. Hershel becomes H.L.; Mabel is to be called Jackie; and, little Bittie is to become big Dallas. Jackie, aka Mabel, next goes to the Wal-Mart Superstore and buys the biggest Zirconia ring they have, along with a matching necklace. At Penney’s, she has her hair coiffed – usually her sister cut it once a month. She buys new clothes for herself – “Do you have any of them French designer fashions in a size 18?” – and a suit for H.L. While in Paris, Jackie bragged to other tourists of H.L.’s vast oil and gas operations – “too complicated to really get into to.” Their two acres become 200. The double wide becomes a mansion. The guineas become prized peacocks. The little vegetable garden, a vast award winning vineyard. H.L.’s hunting now takes place in Africa; fishing in Alaska. Trophy’s fill his office walls high up in the Petroleum Building in downtown Dallas. Let us examine another example of PESPS. Not long ago, I had popped in Jules Vernes for a quick lunch. As I gazed down on lovely Paris, I became aware of a conversation occurring between two American couples seated behind me. It went something like this: 1st woman: “Oh, we are from San Franciso. Just over here for a vacation, you know!” 2nd woman: “We live in Chicago. My husbands company – he is the CEO – sent us over for a little R&R – all expenses paid.” 1st woman: “That is just too sweet. Oh, did I fail to mention my darling is the majority share holder in General Motors and we flew over to Paris on the corporate private jet?” 2nd woman: “I think there is some talk of my husband’s company acquiring General Motors in the near future.” (Lull in conversation) 1st woman: “Do you and your husband have children? We have two. A boy and a girl. Our son is Chief Justice of the California Supreme Court. Our daughter founded and runs a multi-million dollar foundation for poor homeless cats.” 2nd woman: “Oh, how wonderful to have such talented children. You must be proud! Yes, we also have children – three. Our eldest son won the Nobel Peace prize in Physics last year. The middle child, also a boy, chairs the Humanities Studies at Harvard. Our baby, Susan, just completed her twin PhD (Esoteric Electronolgy and The Grammatical Structure of Mathematics) at Yale. She plans to teach underprivileged children in the inner cities.” I thought, here it is. PESPS full blown. It is as if when traveling, the average American follows the US Army recruiting slogan – be all that you can be! And more! The meek become out going and loud! The oppressed become the oppressors. As my Southern Aunt would say of these folks, “they put on airs.” These are the tourists you see in museums around great works of art making Silk-Purseisms like “his unique perspective on the subject is profound.” In Pigs-Earism – “What the hell is that?” A concert in one of the magnificent churches in Paris evokes in SPism “the melodic symmetry of the wind instruments blended so subtly with the strings I became entranced and felt at peace with all.” Or, back home, in PEish “Got so damn bored I fell asleep.” A SPism while testing the wine presented by the sommelier: “Hum. A deep earth tone with a slight hint of woodsiness, decently full bodied but with a youthful spirit.” Again, back home this would have been: “Hot damn! This stuffs gonna make us drunk as ole Cooter Brown!” As sad as it is to experience PESPS, it is even sadder that some feel the need to try to embroider their lives in the hope of impressing total strangers. But, as pathetic as it is, it does sustain, in some, the human spirit and give hope to those…
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By Don Andrews