Book and Old Documents Fair

5.30am Writing blockbuster while world sleeps. Well, half world anyway. Have pencils sharpened for stabbing Gizmo when she walks across keyboard. Coffee. Fags. Matchsticks for propping eyelids open.

Have 14 emails. Send 13 to trash. Do not need penis or breast enlargement today. Or blind date with Tibetan yakherder. Read latest advice from Already-Famous-Novelist in sleeping world. Keep them darned fingers tappin’. Especially in middle of night. All very well for AFN, cosy-tootsie under New York quilt. Snoring while I shiver. Will not tell her am playing solitaire.

6.31 Have written 4 whole paragraphs. But cannot now remember where I put murder weapon. Or which chapter I threw it in handy canal. Remove moulting Gizmo from fruit basket. Grapes now pressed. Bananas puréed. Shame to waste. Will make John nice milk shake with same.
Have breakfast. Not good to stare at screen for too long anyway. Feed Whinge and Gizmo. Sort paper avalanche in study into neat piles. Do not scream hysterically as Gizmo and Whinge redistribute piles since world still sleeping. Do not remember wanting cats.

7.20 Northern hemisphere now awake. Too late, distracting, etc to write. Will resume tomorrow. Or day after. Maybe.

Tuesday
Gemini. 21 May-21 June First thing this morning the moon opposes Neptune, leaving you confused and unsettled. Take time today to straighten out the confusion

8.35  Merde. Have overslept. Have head like Birkenhead. Stiff as board after last night’s Gazelle gym club. Unpeel eyelids. Wardrobe, chest of drawers. New cobweb. Spider awake and weaving same. Exercise bike. Cannot face Tour de Chambre today.

Ignore haughty husband’s Good Afternoon, Dear. Start siphoning coffee pipeline. Snowing again. At least do not have to leave house today. No physio for 2 weeks as Pascal has buggered off to ski. Slopes must be pretty crowded now. Estimate 49.2 million freezing French currently sliding down hills on floorboards.

Have health insurance dossier to complete. Research owner of land behind lake/possibility of adjoining golf course/availability of T. Woods to open same. Am also 14 chapters behind best-smelling blockbuster deadline. Own deadline, as am not yet ready to stun publishing world. 32 pp. maybe bit short for detective novel.

10.30 Listen to radio news. CAC 40 up one point. Goody. Industrial production up. Consumer spending up. Hmm. Must mean a series of strikes imminent.

10.50 Look At Books as ordered by Ayatollah Dickson. Check debtor-agencies. Boss says government demanding double contributions to pay skiing costs of ministers, uncivil serpents etc. El Cheapotrans, WordsRUs, and InyourLingo S.A. owe cost of luxury cruise. SA? Stands for Sod All Translators, John yells.  Waves arms, curses industry, translation companies, skiing ministers etc. Decide would make excellent shop steward. Or mullah.

2.30 Have new agency client. Monsieur Forrin, CEO of Forrin2Us. Specialise in work for les syndicats. Assure him resident ace translators are discreet, will not blab to that nice Monsieur Raffarin re trade union shenanigans. Notice he is a bit humourless.
Translate seditious document discreetly. Avoid using managerial tone of voice. J. suggests is very difficult for me. Ignore facetious husband.

4.30 Send translation. Hesitate over addition of smilies, red hearts, animated cats to email. Might get wrong impression.

8 p.m. Watch TV news Teachers, doctors, police, transport workers going on strike. CAC 40 plummets. Delete Forrin2U from client list.

Wednesday
Gemini. 21 May-21 June You are entering a phase where your help will be sought. Give generously

5.30am  Do not know how long I can continue tracking murderers in middle of night. Perhaps should switch genre. Maybe am potential new Barbara Cartland. Or Stephen King. Toy with ground-breaking plot. Unmarried mother meets bodice-ripping automobile. Snags stockings on side of dark tower while trying to escape. Infant son objects to Roland as new uncle. Kills latter with hefty blow using rattle. Mm. Perhaps am better at murder.

2.30 p.m. Hannah phones from ski slopes re her electoral-roll situation. Skiing obviously v. boring sport. Cannot imagine helping Tiger Woods stroke balls into hole while wondering whether am entered on village voting register. Apparently voting both duty and right. People must accept responsibility for constitutional processes. Point out more convivial to get drunk, play solitaire, watch Arsenal v. Man. Utd. etc. Accept am flippant, democratically destructive etc. Promise to send cheque to keep daughter’s banker smiling.

9 p.m. Am mainlining chocolate when Martine phones. Save Our Services meeting fixed for Monday. Twenty hundred hours. Do not point out there are only 24 hours in day. Meeting in sports hall, so Gazelle gym gyrations cancelled. Shame.
Get out old college scarf, Chelsea FC rattle. Ethnic goatskin coat. Hmm. Smells a bit goaty. Still, will be masked by eau de vache from other villagers.
Am really excited by communal mobilisation. Tell John Limousin Ladies United taking fight to streets behind nice mayor. Noisy marches. Hurling insults, paving stones etc at Parisians with their big cars, post offices, schools etc. Giving the finger to riot police in their leggings and dark glasses. J forbids same. Point out am free woman. Until arrested, thrown in jail, guillotined etc, he says

Thursday
Gemini. 21 May-21 June A rebirth aspect enters your sphere. You feel Spring in the air
530 am -9° Curse Limousin tundra. Curse New York bully-novelist. Turn heating up to max.  Wake coffee machine. Smoke 3 fags. Change murderee. Change modus. Kill novelist with ice pick. Feel hugely satisfied.

8.30am Hurray! New doors here. 9 months after order. Hmm. Doors must have same gestation period as made-to-measure persons. Wonder whether I should phone overdue drive contractors. Must be nearing partum.

1030   Disturbing quantity of plaster coming off walls. Debris knee deep

1201 Carpenters/dust contractors spin wheels on future drive. Prepare lunch. Kitchen now redoored after 3 hours’ exposure to Limousin icecap.

1230 Don furs, hat, scarf, gloves, thermal socks, boots. Eat lunch. Have agreed temporary suspension of standard table etiquette. Allow frozen cat to crawl into lap under sealskins. Discover mittens not altogether suitable for consuming soup.
Friday

Gemini. 21 May-21 June Pay more attention to fashion. Pisces and Libra come front and centre to assist.
9 a.m. – 10°. Fog, snow, ice. No pre-dawn-writing nonsense today. Have interpreting rdv with notaire. Caviar on the daily biscuit. Tart myself up. Elegant new red sweater just the job. Notice collar same length as sweater . Is long tube with central arms. Looked easy enough on Carrefour hanger. Not now obvious which way up to hang same on self.

10 am Am late for notaire. Have given up sweaty struggle with red octopus. Client is society type. Fully-paid up member of Society of Arseholes I-loved-my-nanny Hooray Henry. Decide not to give swine the finger until have hands on inflated fee. Henry not overly impressed with interpreter’s Aran jumper, baggy jeans. Asks whether always this cold. Was warm and sunny when viewed cheap collapsing hovel, now Maison Henry. Prise huge cheque from frostbitten client fingers. Give him faux smile. Say no, really quite mild for Limousin.
Bolt upstairs to waste time with Denise, notarial secretary and fellow Gazelle. Still looking for non-midget-farmer mate. Workplace not ideal hunting ground. Assure her joint partnership not all is cracked up to be. Point out boss-notaire is tall, dark and not ugly. And loaded. He’s 59, Denise says. Sounds like a sin. And on his 4th wife.
Think of the alimony, I say. Denise wipes tears from keyboard. Just wants a young, warm, intelligent male. Point out is mythical species. When God invented Man, she was only joking etc. Think I have missed vocation as therapist. Encourage her to socialise. Perhaps can retrieve Tibetan yakherder’s phone number from mail trash.

10.30 Start loan agreement. Repayments suspended in event of strikes etc. Will never have to repay loan therefore. Ponder possible marital solutions for Denise. Most of our friends married or gay. Own sons bit young for sugar mummy. Tsk. Notice spelling mistake in clause 13. Will email education minister. Must do better if he wants children to draft billion-euro loan agreements.
Saturday

Gemini. 21 May-21 June You and your honey can get away for today and have a rather passionate time, so enjoy
9 a.m. Visit Limousin version of Ideal Home Show. Cow posters everywhere. Resolve not to admit cows to my ideal home. Collect zillions of catalogues from pushy exhibitors. Love free literature. Add inflatable farm animal brochures to gnome catalogue collection.
Browse gardening stands. Wander like lonely cloud through greenhouse size of Louvre. Mmm. Could adjust to sowing, thinning, repotting in luxury. Smiling smugly at shivering next-door Scumbag. Am arrested by Spoilsport Dickson singing off-key bankruptcy aria.
Suffer lawnmover tour. Drag drooling J. from 99-gear ride-on, price of used Ferrari. Remind Schumacher Dickson of voluntary liquidation ditty.
Have covert conversation with rep. touting v. tasteful conservatories. Even better than greenhouse. Be out when you’re in. Any design possible. Madame’s wish is our command etc. Notice prices cheaper than Louvre, half cost of Ferrari. Accept 2 bags of catalogues.

4.30 Catch final mins of Scotland v. Italy. Allez les pasta-mastas!. Italy lose. Watch France v. Wales. Cry as usual as Welsh sing their Saucepan Bark anthem. Delighted with Welsh victory. Wish them well. Second place in championship, for example.
Sunday

Gemini. 21 May-21 June Avoid any tendency to be unkind to those close to you, whatever they may have said or done in the past.  
Inspect garden, untouched since staff’s knee op. Need a gardener. Wander, wondering if Americans have yardeners. Notice Monsieur Scumbag in adjoining pristine park. Refrain from throwing rocks, planting invasive weeds on boundary. Have disliked said sleazeball since he hosed Gizmo for fertilizing his newly-dug vegetable patch. Resolve to replant cat WC signposts.

4 p.m. Ireland v. England. Weep buckets during singing of Irish anthem. Forced to hum while bawling, as do not understand my own language. Am almost drowned out by perfidious husband shouting Come on Ingerland! Avoid cardiac arrest during Irish victory with transfusions of Bushmills.

J. maintains he never liked rugby anyway. Is uncouth sport played by hairy men with oddly-shaped balls.

9 p.m. Am restless. Leaf through local rag. Notice 6 pp of Lonely Hearts. Aha. Possibly suitable suitor for Desperate Denise thereamong. Delete all guys seeking hunky funky guys. Eliminate geriatrics? Might inadvertently delete loaded-lover-about-to-drop-off-perch-and-make-new-wife-filthy-rich. But might also be Viagra freaks.  Cannot see Denise hopping from foot-to-foot while starch sets. 1 page Rural Romeos left. 

Handsome homme. Loves good food, walks in country, animals etc. Mature. Hmm. Translate. Egotistical, 73-yr.old sheep farmer seeking cook.

Lively lad. Used to children, loves going out. Seeking similar for fun evenings in town.  Transport. Huh. Pub-crawling adolescent with bike trying to get away from Mum and siblings.

Aha. Executive. 35. Broad-minded. Good conversationalist. Seeks young lady with view to permanency. Car. Well. Perfect age. Loaded or semi-loaded. Tongue in head.  Well read. Correctly mobile. Will call Denise tomorrow with the good news.

Bonne semaine